1. Back to Yoga

I have become detached from myself. It happened so fast. Since I gave birth to my son, I have devoted myself to him with a totality so typically me.

There is no one happier than me, with my new status - being a mom – but my low weight testifies to my reduced passion and hunger for life. I am very thin. Even my husband said a few a days ago, that I do not look happy, he even added, as if he was joking: "What's happening with you? Once, you were a spring of joy, but now you are a pit of tar" – Ouch!!! Painful, but true. He is actually right. I'm tired and that affects me. I complain a lot, and my love for people has seen better days.

I've become detached from myself - because of lack of free time, boredom, sleep deprivation…But the days pass by, and life is happening right now - I don't want to spend it like this.

From all that emptiness there is a voice echoing inside of me, the "know it all" voice that I have heard since I was a kid: ”Go back to your body, take a moment to listen to the voice of your heart. Even if you have a child of your own, that doesn’t mean you have to neglect the little girl inside of you”.

What will make me feel good? What will make me happy? Not something superficial, like a band aid, but a real boost that will leave me fulfilled and clean my soul. I decide to go back to yoga. But this time I want to go deeper, to dive into yoga. Maybe I will study yoga teacher training? Is it not too late for that? Am I not too old? Bullshit says the voice inside of me, and my husband's decisive, encouraging voice adds: "If I could, I would do it myself."

I'm checking out yoga teacher training courses, in nearby leading institutions. There is one that starts next week on Fridays. I meet the criteria for registration, since I’ve had enough years of yoga training in institutes recognized by this one. Good. It will also fit in with my work schedule. I make the call and register. Along with the registration form that they sent me, the official questionnaire, there is a question from the course manager: “What does yoga mean to you?” I write instinctively: 'There are times that practicing yoga is a great joy to me, and times it is pure pain and difficulty. Meeting myself on the yoga training mat, through my breath, my body’s sensations, it sometimes makes me ache inside, but it always, always, echoes that primordial place in my heart; the place that yearns for the mountains, nature, trees, the clean and cold air, the place that has been echoing inside of me since I was a child, and it's a home'.

The registration process was easy. When things are right, they simply happen and they also feel right. Next week – it’s yoga teacher training course. A new course has opened in my head and my heart – a renewed journey to yoga.